Irish vs the French

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:25 pm


The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top O the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war..'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by lario48 on Sun Aug 24, 2014 8:54 am

So Andrew, you save all the good 'uns for this Forum. huh?  Very Happy
avatar
lario48
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 68
Location : San Lorenzo, California

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:56 am

1click will always be there, just trying to keep this one active and renew some interest. Smile 
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by leseil612 on Sat Feb 21, 2015 9:35 pm

Your offerings always keep me interested Andrew, the problem on my side is my friends and family list have not come up with any decent funnies that I could pass on. Hopefully a temporary aberration.
avatar
leseil612
Senior member
Senior member

Posts : 265
Join date : 2012-04-25
Age : 71
Location : Lincoln

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:00 pm

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.





A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.



At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”



When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:02 pm

Bumpy landing

A guy is sitting in a bar at Sydney International and notices a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.  He thinks to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.  But which airline does she work for?"



Hoping to pick her up, he leans towards her and utters the Cathay Pacific slogan: 'It's the little things we remember'.  The flight attendant gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself,  'Oh, crap, she doesn't work for Cathay.'



A moment later, another slogan pops into his head. He leans towards her again and says, "Something special in the air" – she gives him the same confused look.  He mentally kicks himself and scratches American Airlines off the list.



Next, he tries the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as silk."



This time, the woman turns on him. "What the f--- do you want?"



The man smiles, then slumps back in his chair and says, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!"
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:05 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia.
He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
 
 
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by sanshoe on Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:10 pm

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England !

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'


I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
avatar
sanshoe
Extreme contributor
Extreme contributor

Posts : 899
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 69
Location : Right here..Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by leseil612 on Sun Feb 22, 2015 3:16 am

Three classics there my friend, I will pass them on to my list and I may even get something good bach.
avatar
leseil612
Senior member
Senior member

Posts : 265
Join date : 2012-04-25
Age : 71
Location : Lincoln

Back to top Go down

Re: Irish vs the French

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum